She's like a pop up book from hell.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
