If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
