Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
