If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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