It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
