she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
