Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
