For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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