I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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