Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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