fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
