These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
