Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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