Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
