STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
