God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
