i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
