You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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