I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
