There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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