why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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