so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
