i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
