you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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