Will you blow on my dice?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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