my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
