I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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