I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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