No more Irish car bombs ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
