He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
