She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
