I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
