if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
