Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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