i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I want a musical about memes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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