I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
