girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
