i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
