i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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