Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
