This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Did I show you my penis last night?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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