I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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