I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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