if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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