dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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