What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
