Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
