This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
