i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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