I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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