she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
